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holy blog neglect! last time i posted in feb 2010 i didn't yet know that i was pregnant w/#2, and he is 8 months old today.

i have been suffering from health issues in 2010 and 2011. go read my post from the end of august 2009 about how things stopped looking up, and imagine taking a sledgehammer to my spine after that. that's pretty much how i'm doing. but how are YOU, internet?

i do hope to return to the blogosphere someday. i don't think anyone out there in the world even reads this, but ... one day you all will. because, you know, i'm awesome. (i tried to combine the word blog and awesome and did not get anything good. blawesome? blogsome? forget it.) and one day i will actually post enough that you will know it. i am not even going to bother to update you on the things going on around here because i don't know when i'll next post, so i'm done.

well, i can't very well leave this without showing you the newbie around here, as well as a picture of how the older one has grown.



my sweet, silly, friendly, babbly 8 month old little guy.



my big, preschool-attending, imaginative, talkative 3.5 yr old girl.

i hope anyone out there reading is doing miles better than my spinal cord is.
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i'm totally listening to this on repeat right now.



i don't go to therapy to find out if i'm a freak
i go and i find the one and only answer every week
and it's just me, and all the memories that follow
down any course that fits within a fifty minute hour

and we fathom all the mysteries, explicit and inherent
when i hit a rut, she says to try the other parent
and she's so kind, i think she wants to tell me something
but she knows that it's much better if i get it for myself

and she says ooh, ahh, what do you hear in these sounds
and ooh, ahh, what do you hear in these sounds

i say, i hear a doubt with the voice of true believing
and the promises to stay, and the footsteps that are leaving
and she says, oh
i say, what?
she says, exactly
i say, what, you think i'm angry?
does that mean you think i'm angry?

she says, look, you come here every week with jigsaw pieces of your past
it's all on little sound bytes and voices out of photographs
and that's all yours
that's the guide, that's the map
so tell me, where does the arrow point to
who invented roses

and ooh, ahh, what do you hear in these sounds
and ooh, ahh, what do you hear in these sounds

and when i talk about therapy, i know what people think
that it only makes you selfish and in love with your shrink
but oh, how i loved everybody else
when i finally got to talk so much about myself

and i wake up, and i ask myself what state i'm in
and i say, well i'm lucky, 'cause i am like east berlin
i had this wall, and what i knew of the free world was
that i could see their fireworks and i could hear their radio

and i thought that if we met, i would only start confessing
and they'd know that i was scared, they would know that i was guessing
but the wall came down, and there they stood before me
with their stumbling and their mumbling and their calling out just like me

and ooh, ahh, the stories that nobody hears
and i collect these sounds in my ears
and ooh, ahh, that's what i hear in these sounds
ooh, ahh, that's what i hear in these, that's what i hear in these sounds


thanks dar. <3
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okay so i have a lot of posts in mind to write. i just haven't had the time, inclination, and ability all at the same time.

things are going generally... fine. holiday stuff was good, and i'm really glad to be in a new year. at the beginning of 09, if i had known that we'd deal with one interstate move, losing alex's boss's cat, 2 car accidents, a totaled vehicle, an incredible amount of back pain for months, hospitalization, surgery, and the after-effects, i'd have said "i can't handle that. i just can't." and yeah it SUCKED, but we handled it, and all 3 humans are doing pretty well, and we all love each other, and we feel lucky and happy most of the time.

but the difference with this year is that i know we'll handle whatever happens. we're really strong, love each other a lot, and communicate well. so i feel a lot more like i have very little control over it, i'll try my best, and i'll deal with whatever setbacks come our way. although, truth be told, i am hoping for a much less stressful year.

okay, sharing a picture and then i'm out.



when did my littles become such a BIGS??

all right. adios.
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since quite a few of you out there have expressed geekdom in some way about vaginas, uteruses (uteri?), and female reproductive health in general, i thought that i'd post this invite in case you are interested in attending a webinar about fertility - specifically, when to see an RE.

a "health activist" is anyone who spends time researching health info and sharing that information with other people. i don't feel like i do anything particularly activist-y, but apparently blathering on and on about ladyparts to strangers all day allows me to warrant an invitation (and to be featured on their site)!

so here's the invite, for the interested:

Invitation: WEGO Health Exclusive, Health Activist-only webinar presentation on Wednesday, November 4th, "When to See a Reproductive Endocrinologist: 7 Key Factors."

Presented live by one of the country's leading reproductive endocrinologists, Glenn Schattman, MD, from Cornell University. This event is free and made possible by one of WEGO Health's sponsors.

Webinar attendees will gain:

  • Valuable insight to help women you know online to make informed decisions
  • In-depth medical updates - usually reserved for physicians - about the factors that all TTC women should consider
  • Exclusive direct access to Dr. Schattman during our live Q&A session

This one-hour webinar is offered at four different times on Wednesday, November 4th: Noon, 4PM, 6PM and 9PM (all times are EST)

Attendance is limited, sign up today!

To RSVP, please complete this brief survey and someone from WEGO Health will email you the logistical details shortly: http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=MoZk_2bPjN9Rn9jNPeUoAgdg_3d_3d

Earn $5 for RESOLVE:

To help incorporate participant ideas and feedback into later programs, WEGO Health will invite all webinar attendees to participate in a brief follow-up survey. For every attendee who completes this short survey, WEGO Health will make a $5 donation to RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association.

Questions? Contact WEGO Health at (community@wegohealth.com)

Marie Connelly

Community Manager

phone: 617.649.1548

fax: 617.426.5027

Follow us on Twitter: http://twitter.com/wegohealth

Become a fan on Facebook: http://facebook.com/wegohealth

http://www.wegohealth.com

empowering health activists to help others


as usual, i have a lot of stuff to post about, but my recent back surgery and recovery have meant that i've spent a lot of time away from the interweb. this week has marked my return to being alone with maya for the first time since JULY, which is when i started needing lots of assistance from friends, family, and fools (haha just kidding) to help me get through the day. OY.

so, hopefully i will have a real post soon. maybe even with pictures from the summer (that are still on my camera)! but this is it for now. hope this info is useful to anyone reading!
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this post made me feel really happy.

in general on the friends list/in the blogosphere lately i have been encountering a lot of posts encouraging people to think positively and engage in random acts of kindness. this is so nice to see.

as for my own positivity about myself - i was talking to DB last week about all these things i can't do, and how it's really frustrating and leaves me impatient. now, i believe that it is okay and reasonable and acceptable to feel this way - i just had frigging surgery for god's sake. i've been through a lot! it's okay to feel crappy about it. but DB pointed out that i am focusing a lot on the "can't" and not enough on the "can." she reminded me about all the disabled moms out there who have to do this every day, and that this is temporary for me.

it actually irritated me when she said it - my gut reaction was, good god woman, let me whine a little bit, EVERYBODY DOES and it's okay. i believe that no matter how bad things are, they can always get worse AND there's always someone out there who does have it worse. but i do NOT believe that this means that you can never complain, because venting frustration is therapeutic. for me at least. if i complain about something, it doesn't mean i'm always sitting there bemoaning my life - i just need to whine about it, get it all out, and then that alone tends to make me feel better and i can move on.

but at the same time, i knew she was right, and that thought has been with me all week. and i have focused so much on what i can do and how much better i am feeling post-op and how lucky i am in general.

this has led to a general feeling of happiness and well-being, which is a welcome change from the pain and fear i've lived with since the end of july. and after reading about the difficult times everyone has been going through (wtf 2009, you are fired), i am happy to see that a lot of people i e-know are also feeling good.

so yeah. i am taking shari's advice and will be paying it forward. it seems so selfish to keep all this happy to myself. feel free to join me!
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despite the fact that she has 3 times as many children as i do, i am totally feeling this post by damomma. especially this part:

“You think you’re going to grow up, and have a job, and raise your family and that’s it. And it’s just not that simple, is it?” I say. “It’s really hard, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” she says.

“I never feel like a grownup,” I add. “I feel like we’re always struggling to keep things together and we shouldn’t be.”

“We all feel that way,” she says. We part ways. I stagger along the mall, dragging my kids.

“Oh, my,” says a passing woman, elderly, with gentle eyes. “What gorgeous girls.”

“Thank you,” I say.

“God bless you,” she whispers. And she means it, and I am undone.

typical

Aug. 31st, 2009 09:32 pm
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lately we've been getting these calls from some telemarketers despite being on the do not call list for a couple years now. and despite requests to be taken off "the list," which i hear is the magical thing to get a telemarketing company to stop calling you, we still get calls a lot.

so i found this awesome website that plays wav or mp3 files of those recordings of "i'm sorry, your number could not be completed as dialed." SCORE! since i am still recovering from surgery and thus spending ALL DAY EVERY DAY in bed, i can just sit here with the appropriate recording opened and loaded up, and as soon as someone calls, i can just play it and throw them off the scent.

HAHA, TELEMARKETERS! i GOT you.

only today they didn't call at all! after calling at least 4 times a day, every single weekday, they only called the once today and that was BEFORE i found the website. figures!

oh well. i guess if having the website open and the file loaded is enough to keep them at bay, i'll just do THAT.
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so after having severe back pain on our 3rd wedding anniversary, i ended up at the emergency room the next day (friday). i am still in the hospital after surgery on monday - my second spinal surgery, the first being in 2001.

so yeah. it sucks, i miss the kid, i didn't expect my first night away from her to be like this at all, and i'm trying to be optimistic but chronic pain is a bitch. it forced nightweaning on her all at once instead of me being able to do it as gradually as i wanted, but she was at least down to about one (MAAAAYYYBE two) sessions a night, so i'm glad it happened now rather than a month ago when she was waking up several times a night. she's had to cut out a lot of nursing sessions all at once, not to mention she's had to spend far less time with me and alex than she's used to, and i hate that it all had to happen like this. i just miss her.

not to mention that for ME, i'm sick of being in pain and i just want to be able to function like a normal person again. hopefully once i heal from surgery that will be the case.

who knows when i'll update again.
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the first and most important thing is that we're going on vacation this week. FREE VACATION. even better, right? we are staying at my sister-in-law's boyfriend's parents' summer house. the house is GORGEOUS and it's right on the beach, and it's less than an hour's drive from here, and i am so thrilled. thursday is our 3rd wedding anniversary, and i am so excited. we might go whale watching and then out to dinner. i haven't made up my mind about going whale watching yet; maybe we'll all do it as a family instead. but yeah, one totally sweet part about going on vacation with someone else? especially someone as wonderful as my sister-in-law? built-in babysitting!

maya's gradual nightweaning process has started off well. she's not fully off the boob yet, but she isn't sleeping attached to the nipple. sometimes i cringe when i realize she is TWENTY MONTHS OLD and still not nightweaned, but i can't beat myself up about this too hard. we've been in crisis mode for a long time, and i just have not been able to commit to doing something different at night. maya has never been a good sleeper, so i knew this process would not be easy, and it has taken me a long time to feel ready to add something difficult into the mix. changing a deeply-ingrained habit takes energy and effort and motivation, and i have not had much of any of these three for a long time now. last night alex got her to sleep by himself. the kid who has nursed to sleep every night for countless nights went to sleep just lying down and hearing stories from daddy. she woke up 3 times overnight, and once he got her down without help, and twice i nursed her and then put her down on her mattress and rubbed her back until she fell asleep. i bet alex could have gotten her down both those times, but he didn't really wake up and so she found me. and even though she still woke up, she was able to go back to sleep without a nipple in her mouth. this week while we're away alex and maya are going to share a room, and i am going to sleep in another room, and we'll see how this all goes. but there's already been a huge improvement this week, so i'm feeling positive about it.

in other news, my back's been a lot better! yesterday, i was feeling so much better that i got out of the house and went to the store, and it was amazing. i had been trapped in bed for like 3 weeks save for doctor visits, so it was awesome to just be out like a normal person who can move around. i'm feeling a lot more hopeful about my back healing up. i'm very irritated that my doctor's office STILL has not called me back with my MRI information. they said last monday they'd have it in 2-3 days. assholes. i can't schedule it without them. now i can't do it this week. the entire point was for me to be able to do it as soon as possible. i'm thinking of complaining to my doctor, but i don't know what she's going to do that will make it any better short of turning back the clock and giving me the number so i could have had the MRI by now. ah well. what can you do. my chiropractor has been amazing, and i'm planning to try out acupuncture for pain relief when we get back. and then if i can ever get this fucking MRI, we'll see what the surgeon says and move from there. this week will definitely be helpful in terms of being right near the beach. it'll be so easy for me to swim and relax and exercise and take care of my back however i need to. oh, it's good to feel like things are moving forward!

so yeah, this week promises to be good in lots of ways. it will be just good for our mental health, my back, and maya's sleep patterns. i'm so excited. last week alex decided we shouldn't go because of my back and on account of him feeling behind at work, but i'm so glad that things have worked out so we can actually go. WAHOOOOO!!!
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wow, i can't believe i haven't stumbled upon this video until now!

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i am totally enjoying adam bourret's graphic novel, posted in installments on his website. start here.

from his site: "I'm Crazy is an auto-biographical graphic novel, dealing with, among other things: histories, secrets, obsessive compulsive disorder, drugs, gay romance, hallucinations and insanity. It's all true provided you're willing to be a little flexible." there are depictions of sex, so it's not safe for work, unless your boss doesn't mind you looking at webcomics that include pictures of sex.

anyway. i think it's pretty awesome and am enjoying it a lot so far, so i wrote to him to tell him so. AND HE WROTE BACK! swoon!
 
Thanks so much for writing to me! It's such a personal project and there are so many comics on the internet, so it's really good to hear that people are reading it and enjoying it. Yesterday I sent my printer an "OK" to do 1000 copies, and thought "ohgod ohgod I hope someone wants to read these!"

yes, yes we do! keep 'em coming, adam!
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well, since my back is out, i keep thinking i'll upload all those pics of maya that have been on the camera since MAY, and um... i didn't until just now. oh well. enjoy!


sniff this flower, mama!


i love this face.


prefers to stay on the outside edge of the water park.


huge fan of swings.


but her absolute favorite is the slide! i love this picture.


i like this one too. my big girl.


four generations of mothers and daughters.


have i mentioned that i love this face?


edible.
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i totally suck at being a mom today.

i have no energy. i'm still in pain. maya has nothing but energy. she wants to nurse ALL THE TIME. i am trying to cut her back. i cannot nurse her every couple hours during the day, not if i'm gonna have to do it at night too. i am considering weaning her entirely. i don't even know how to do that. send her to someone else for a couple days? lol. seriously though.

a pattern i have noticed is that whenever her sleep gets really bad, i want to wean her completely. i just have to nightwean her. i just have to DO IT. i don't believe in a no-cry nightweaning solution. things have just been going so slowly and not progressing. i just have to get myself through the crappy nights. as it is every night is crappy anyway, so why not make them unbearably shitty in the short term in order to help make them manageably not-shitty in the long run?

i don't know why this is so hard for me.

what bothers me more is that i'm doing the comparison thing, which i'm SO good at not doing! but no, i was reading some other mom talking about her 19 month old who is an EC graduate and is nightweaned and all this stuff, and i was like WHAT AM I DOING WRONG? (which is ridiculous, because the answer to that question is NOTHING.)

maya was great with the potty. when she wanted to stop using it, i didn't push her. every couple weeks she tells us she wants to sit on the potty, and she sits on it for 2 seconds and then gets off, and i still praise her. she tells me before, during, and after she pees or poops, and i tell her awesome job for telling me, and rock on. and i always remind her that she can go in her diaper or in the potty, and she always says "no potty" and i don't push it. i never push it. i can't imagine that being the wrong decision. i couldn't have pushed her and done it without betraying the fact that it felt wrong, and i don't believe in doing something that feels wrong because i should. like, maybe that would have worked, but i couldn't do it.

that's why i haven't nightweaned her, actually. it just didn't feel right FOR ME. but now that it's starting to i don't know how to help her follow suit.

i don't know, i feel like i did this all wrong. like i should have let her get used to taking a bottle of EBM every now and then. it wouldn't have fucked up my supply - i had oversupply until she was like 14 months old. and i can't imagine the occasional bottle would have screwed up shit considering she has nursed at least 10 times a day her entire life. i worried too much.

and i'm just tired, tired, tired, of hearing friends who don't understand say what they would do with their kids. i mean, what am i supposed to say? i usually am like, hmmm yeah that sounds good, you'll figure it out when the time comes. because what else do i say? you're fucking delusional? your kid is GOING to throw tantrums. you're going to have a hard time taking your kid to restaurants and the grocery store, but you won't have the option to always do it without them. sometimes, more than you'd like, you are going to be That Parent, the one that everyone stares at and judges harshly, because you are human, and just because you have a kid you aren't suddenly going to morph into the perfect parent. you're still gonna get sick or tired or be in a bad mood and you aren't going to do things the way you want to. so quit looking at me and being like "oh when IIIIII have kids i'm gonna do it DIIIIFFFERENT." you aren't going to be as perfect as you think, and neither is your kid, so shut up.

ahem. sorry. i don't know why i'm even bitching about that here when nearly all of my friends are totally understanding and awesome. but i do have a couple of friends who are just like, dude, when *i* have parents i am NEVER going to have the problems *you* do because *i* am gonna do it right. and i don't know what to say. oh, really? cool. it must feel great knowing that. you hug that feeling right to your chest and cling to it for now, because once you have a kid and you realize that you're going to fuck them up the way that every parent in the world has fucked up their kid, you won't have that feeling to keep you warm anymore.

i am so tired. maya has been waking up at least every half hour. if she doesn't nurse, she screams her guts out. alex and i are exhausted anyway and we just don't have the energy. that's what people don't get, that nightweaning or changing sleep habits takes ENERGY, and if you don't have the energy because you're facing a lack of sleep, it's almost IMPOSSIBLE to change to do something else because that requires being more awake and more conscious of what you're doing, and when it's 2 in the morning and you're up for the 7th time and you know you'll be up at least 4 more times before waking up for the day at 7 am, you don't WANT to have the battle again, you want to just pull your shirt up and act as a buffet table and fall asleep.

ugh, i am always so conscious of how i never post when maya sleeps really well, when she eats really well, when we have that awesome connection and pattern that just works so beautifully. instead i just complain when that isn't there, and of COURSE it isn't going to be there all the time, and don't we all get pissed at our parents for expecting too much of us all the time when we're only human?

alex and i have been talking a lot about parental expectations, and how it's really hard to get away from that. what would you do if your child ended up being the type of person you used to hate? what if maya is a cliquey cheerleader or a capitalist or something? i mean, we're just gonna have to accept it and love her for who she is, even if who she is isn't who we hoped she'd be. you know what i mean? ugh, whatever.

i think what sucks about right now is that my back is still fucked up, alex has a lot of work, we don't have enough help at all, we're totally behind on bills and other shit that we have to get done, and it just piles up and stresses us out more and more, and we get less and less rest and fewer chances to get it all done, and it's just like a growing mountain to climb as our energy levels and motivations slowly decline and then i explode.

but you know, i actually feel a lot better after typing all this. and you know what? i just have to get through the next week. next weekend, we go on our vacation with my SIL and her bf, and that is gonna be so awesome. going on vacation is always awesome, but having someone there to babysit is gonna be SUPER awesome. and they've offered to watch maya so that we can go out to dinner alone on our wedding anniversary.

i bet every mom i know feels like she sucks at the whole mom thing and has screwed all kinds of shit up at least SOME of the time, so whatever. i have screwed a bunch of things up. and i'll keep doing it. but i think at the end of the day i do try to be a really good mom, taking into account both maya's and my needs and personalities, and that's all i can ask of myself. maybe i could have done things differently to make her a better sleeper or not nurse as much, and maybe i will do things differently for any future child(ren), but i know with maya i have tried really hard to do what felt right and made me comfortable, so i shouldn't be so hard on myself.

okay, i had like 4 cups of coffee so i'm going to go have a monster shit. ta!
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i remember not really understanding why i had to go to school when i didn't like it. you go to school and you have to do well so that you can graduate. and then you go to college so you can get a good job. then you get a job and you work and work and work until you're old. and... that's it? that's life? this sometimes made me really mad when i was a kid. so i'm going to just have to do all this stuff i don't want to do, every day, until i'm old and can't do all the things i want to do NOW?

most (all?) of this really revolves around money... families preparing children to be able to earn money. i remember being fascinated by communes and ascetics and anything that defied this structure. i would fantasize about being able to just not go to school and enjoy myself, ALL DAY, not doing all these things i hated doing just because i had to. and even as an adult, i dreamed of not having to work to earn money, not killing myself doing all this stuff i hated just so i could pay for rent and bills, not having to expend so much energy every day just to get MONEY that you barely have the energy to enjoy.

it's not that i don't wish for more money. i do. i'd love to not have to worry about having enough money. wouldn't we all?

but i found it really cool that daniel suelo of moab, utah, lives on zero dollars a day, without taking money or assistance from the government. he's just living a life without money. a lot of people might look at him as a crazy homeless guy in utah, but i find it really amazing that he found a way of life that fulfills him, and he doesn't ever have to worry about having enough money.

anyway, check out his website. i'm finding his FAQ's pretty amazing. i believe there is a lot of truth in what he is saying... but i also feel that it's unrealistic for most of us at this point to be able to live according to his message. his point of view fascinates me, and part of me yearns for that kind of freedom.

alex and maya and i are happy living the way we do, with our dependence on money, but i think daniel suelo living on zero dollars a day understands a lot more about life and reality and money and what's important than we could ever hope to. his perspective is completely different than any i've ever known, and i find that just... really cool.
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d'souza, i have not learned anything from you. you know that d'souza quote? well, do you?


this one, i mean.

well, this is the pattern of life i have lived in for, oh i don't know, a long time. i'm still doing it to myself. once i feel better, i will start all the things i have planned to start. but what if i never feel better? will i just put my life on hold forever?

the scary thing is, i might.

i dunno, man. chronic pain is a total mindfuck. it doesn't help that i feel like we are always in transition and things are always crazy. but i'm getting tunnel vision. it hasn't always been like this. i am just fucked up from being unable to care for myself and my daughter and my home for the past week, and i forget that i have been capable and amazing and proud of myself not very long ago. i will get back there again. and i will come back here again. and i need to be okay with that. this WILL happen again. i can't let it destroy my sense of self-worth each time, can i? i can't just pretend that it will go away forever someday and when that someday comes i will achieve all my goals THEN.

i didn't actually mean to write that last paragraph. i was intending to explain why i haven't really been posting on dreamwidth yet. i can't really start publicly blogging until i get my daily routine back under control, but it's been out of control for months now and i just keep putting it off and it's always at the back of my mind, bugging me. so now i've linked dreamwidth with LJ, and i can post on both together, and that's pretty cool.

the word 'publicly' never looks right to me.

DB pointed out to me yesterday that according to my own descriptions of what's going on in my life, things are going pretty well and we're stable and smooth. really, it is my perspective that needs to change. i need to stop clinging to a standard i will never obtain and embrace the mediocrity.

i'm taking so many positive steps to better my life, my physical and mental health, and i should be proud of that. i have amazing relationships with my husband and daughter, and when it comes down to it, i can forgive myself everything as long as i maintain that.

i want maya to have a healthy self-esteem, to love and value herself, to be who she is and know that i support her even if she makes choices i wouldn't have made, et cetera. and in order to do that, i need to be a role model. i need to have a healthy self-esteem, to love and value myself, and to be okay with who i am even if it isn't who i expected i would be.

it's okay that i'm here right now and that i'll be back here again. for now, i'll look forward to that day where i'm skipping down the stairs, run-run-running around the first floor in circles with maya, or balancing her on my hip while i juggle a diaper bag and beverages and car keys. i've done it a billion times, and i'll do it again. so even though i can't even lift the cat right now (who vocally complains about this constantly i might add), i'll get there again, and hopefully it'll be soon.

i'm sorry to keep coming to this conclusion over and over again; it hasn't been sticking in my head very well.



i think rediscovering the world through the eyes of a child is the best thing i could be doing right now.
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i really do. i don't like using blogspot as much as i like eljay, but i don't feel comfortable making that public. so, i'm hoping dreamwidth will fill the gap.

i just have to start posting.

i've been bouncing across the continent with my sweet little love too much to post... i think that will end soon.



maya in detroit 6/09, taken by my cousin-in-law.
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i frequently start things, with great ideas about what i'll do on this new path. often, i lack the follow-through (or even the time) to actually put these ideas into effect.

i guess we'll see if this dreamwidth account will be more of the same.
wundermuffin: (happy muffin)


i'm generally pretty open to new friends. comment and let me know; otherwise i may not notice that you added me.