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[personal profile] wundermuffin
d'souza, i have not learned anything from you. you know that d'souza quote? well, do you?

this one, i mean.

well, this is the pattern of life i have lived in for, oh i don't know, a long time. i'm still doing it to myself. once i feel better, i will start all the things i have planned to start. but what if i never feel better? will i just put my life on hold forever?

the scary thing is, i might.

i dunno, man. chronic pain is a total mindfuck. it doesn't help that i feel like we are always in transition and things are always crazy. but i'm getting tunnel vision. it hasn't always been like this. i am just fucked up from being unable to care for myself and my daughter and my home for the past week, and i forget that i have been capable and amazing and proud of myself not very long ago. i will get back there again. and i will come back here again. and i need to be okay with that. this WILL happen again. i can't let it destroy my sense of self-worth each time, can i? i can't just pretend that it will go away forever someday and when that someday comes i will achieve all my goals THEN.

i didn't actually mean to write that last paragraph. i was intending to explain why i haven't really been posting on dreamwidth yet. i can't really start publicly blogging until i get my daily routine back under control, but it's been out of control for months now and i just keep putting it off and it's always at the back of my mind, bugging me. so now i've linked dreamwidth with LJ, and i can post on both together, and that's pretty cool.

the word 'publicly' never looks right to me.

DB pointed out to me yesterday that according to my own descriptions of what's going on in my life, things are going pretty well and we're stable and smooth. really, it is my perspective that needs to change. i need to stop clinging to a standard i will never obtain and embrace the mediocrity.

i'm taking so many positive steps to better my life, my physical and mental health, and i should be proud of that. i have amazing relationships with my husband and daughter, and when it comes down to it, i can forgive myself everything as long as i maintain that.

i want maya to have a healthy self-esteem, to love and value herself, to be who she is and know that i support her even if she makes choices i wouldn't have made, et cetera. and in order to do that, i need to be a role model. i need to have a healthy self-esteem, to love and value myself, and to be okay with who i am even if it isn't who i expected i would be.

it's okay that i'm here right now and that i'll be back here again. for now, i'll look forward to that day where i'm skipping down the stairs, run-run-running around the first floor in circles with maya, or balancing her on my hip while i juggle a diaper bag and beverages and car keys. i've done it a billion times, and i'll do it again. so even though i can't even lift the cat right now (who vocally complains about this constantly i might add), i'll get there again, and hopefully it'll be soon.

i'm sorry to keep coming to this conclusion over and over again; it hasn't been sticking in my head very well.

i think rediscovering the world through the eyes of a child is the best thing i could be doing right now.

June 2011

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