Aug. 7th, 2009

wundermuffin: (Default)
i totally suck at being a mom today.

i have no energy. i'm still in pain. maya has nothing but energy. she wants to nurse ALL THE TIME. i am trying to cut her back. i cannot nurse her every couple hours during the day, not if i'm gonna have to do it at night too. i am considering weaning her entirely. i don't even know how to do that. send her to someone else for a couple days? lol. seriously though.

a pattern i have noticed is that whenever her sleep gets really bad, i want to wean her completely. i just have to nightwean her. i just have to DO IT. i don't believe in a no-cry nightweaning solution. things have just been going so slowly and not progressing. i just have to get myself through the crappy nights. as it is every night is crappy anyway, so why not make them unbearably shitty in the short term in order to help make them manageably not-shitty in the long run?

i don't know why this is so hard for me.

what bothers me more is that i'm doing the comparison thing, which i'm SO good at not doing! but no, i was reading some other mom talking about her 19 month old who is an EC graduate and is nightweaned and all this stuff, and i was like WHAT AM I DOING WRONG? (which is ridiculous, because the answer to that question is NOTHING.)

maya was great with the potty. when she wanted to stop using it, i didn't push her. every couple weeks she tells us she wants to sit on the potty, and she sits on it for 2 seconds and then gets off, and i still praise her. she tells me before, during, and after she pees or poops, and i tell her awesome job for telling me, and rock on. and i always remind her that she can go in her diaper or in the potty, and she always says "no potty" and i don't push it. i never push it. i can't imagine that being the wrong decision. i couldn't have pushed her and done it without betraying the fact that it felt wrong, and i don't believe in doing something that feels wrong because i should. like, maybe that would have worked, but i couldn't do it.

that's why i haven't nightweaned her, actually. it just didn't feel right FOR ME. but now that it's starting to i don't know how to help her follow suit.

i don't know, i feel like i did this all wrong. like i should have let her get used to taking a bottle of EBM every now and then. it wouldn't have fucked up my supply - i had oversupply until she was like 14 months old. and i can't imagine the occasional bottle would have screwed up shit considering she has nursed at least 10 times a day her entire life. i worried too much.

and i'm just tired, tired, tired, of hearing friends who don't understand say what they would do with their kids. i mean, what am i supposed to say? i usually am like, hmmm yeah that sounds good, you'll figure it out when the time comes. because what else do i say? you're fucking delusional? your kid is GOING to throw tantrums. you're going to have a hard time taking your kid to restaurants and the grocery store, but you won't have the option to always do it without them. sometimes, more than you'd like, you are going to be That Parent, the one that everyone stares at and judges harshly, because you are human, and just because you have a kid you aren't suddenly going to morph into the perfect parent. you're still gonna get sick or tired or be in a bad mood and you aren't going to do things the way you want to. so quit looking at me and being like "oh when IIIIII have kids i'm gonna do it DIIIIFFFERENT." you aren't going to be as perfect as you think, and neither is your kid, so shut up.

ahem. sorry. i don't know why i'm even bitching about that here when nearly all of my friends are totally understanding and awesome. but i do have a couple of friends who are just like, dude, when *i* have parents i am NEVER going to have the problems *you* do because *i* am gonna do it right. and i don't know what to say. oh, really? cool. it must feel great knowing that. you hug that feeling right to your chest and cling to it for now, because once you have a kid and you realize that you're going to fuck them up the way that every parent in the world has fucked up their kid, you won't have that feeling to keep you warm anymore.

i am so tired. maya has been waking up at least every half hour. if she doesn't nurse, she screams her guts out. alex and i are exhausted anyway and we just don't have the energy. that's what people don't get, that nightweaning or changing sleep habits takes ENERGY, and if you don't have the energy because you're facing a lack of sleep, it's almost IMPOSSIBLE to change to do something else because that requires being more awake and more conscious of what you're doing, and when it's 2 in the morning and you're up for the 7th time and you know you'll be up at least 4 more times before waking up for the day at 7 am, you don't WANT to have the battle again, you want to just pull your shirt up and act as a buffet table and fall asleep.

ugh, i am always so conscious of how i never post when maya sleeps really well, when she eats really well, when we have that awesome connection and pattern that just works so beautifully. instead i just complain when that isn't there, and of COURSE it isn't going to be there all the time, and don't we all get pissed at our parents for expecting too much of us all the time when we're only human?

alex and i have been talking a lot about parental expectations, and how it's really hard to get away from that. what would you do if your child ended up being the type of person you used to hate? what if maya is a cliquey cheerleader or a capitalist or something? i mean, we're just gonna have to accept it and love her for who she is, even if who she is isn't who we hoped she'd be. you know what i mean? ugh, whatever.

i think what sucks about right now is that my back is still fucked up, alex has a lot of work, we don't have enough help at all, we're totally behind on bills and other shit that we have to get done, and it just piles up and stresses us out more and more, and we get less and less rest and fewer chances to get it all done, and it's just like a growing mountain to climb as our energy levels and motivations slowly decline and then i explode.

but you know, i actually feel a lot better after typing all this. and you know what? i just have to get through the next week. next weekend, we go on our vacation with my SIL and her bf, and that is gonna be so awesome. going on vacation is always awesome, but having someone there to babysit is gonna be SUPER awesome. and they've offered to watch maya so that we can go out to dinner alone on our wedding anniversary.

i bet every mom i know feels like she sucks at the whole mom thing and has screwed all kinds of shit up at least SOME of the time, so whatever. i have screwed a bunch of things up. and i'll keep doing it. but i think at the end of the day i do try to be a really good mom, taking into account both maya's and my needs and personalities, and that's all i can ask of myself. maybe i could have done things differently to make her a better sleeper or not nurse as much, and maybe i will do things differently for any future child(ren), but i know with maya i have tried really hard to do what felt right and made me comfortable, so i shouldn't be so hard on myself.

okay, i had like 4 cups of coffee so i'm going to go have a monster shit. ta!

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