wundermuffin: (Default)
the first and most important thing is that we're going on vacation this week. FREE VACATION. even better, right? we are staying at my sister-in-law's boyfriend's parents' summer house. the house is GORGEOUS and it's right on the beach, and it's less than an hour's drive from here, and i am so thrilled. thursday is our 3rd wedding anniversary, and i am so excited. we might go whale watching and then out to dinner. i haven't made up my mind about going whale watching yet; maybe we'll all do it as a family instead. but yeah, one totally sweet part about going on vacation with someone else? especially someone as wonderful as my sister-in-law? built-in babysitting!

maya's gradual nightweaning process has started off well. she's not fully off the boob yet, but she isn't sleeping attached to the nipple. sometimes i cringe when i realize she is TWENTY MONTHS OLD and still not nightweaned, but i can't beat myself up about this too hard. we've been in crisis mode for a long time, and i just have not been able to commit to doing something different at night. maya has never been a good sleeper, so i knew this process would not be easy, and it has taken me a long time to feel ready to add something difficult into the mix. changing a deeply-ingrained habit takes energy and effort and motivation, and i have not had much of any of these three for a long time now. last night alex got her to sleep by himself. the kid who has nursed to sleep every night for countless nights went to sleep just lying down and hearing stories from daddy. she woke up 3 times overnight, and once he got her down without help, and twice i nursed her and then put her down on her mattress and rubbed her back until she fell asleep. i bet alex could have gotten her down both those times, but he didn't really wake up and so she found me. and even though she still woke up, she was able to go back to sleep without a nipple in her mouth. this week while we're away alex and maya are going to share a room, and i am going to sleep in another room, and we'll see how this all goes. but there's already been a huge improvement this week, so i'm feeling positive about it.

in other news, my back's been a lot better! yesterday, i was feeling so much better that i got out of the house and went to the store, and it was amazing. i had been trapped in bed for like 3 weeks save for doctor visits, so it was awesome to just be out like a normal person who can move around. i'm feeling a lot more hopeful about my back healing up. i'm very irritated that my doctor's office STILL has not called me back with my MRI information. they said last monday they'd have it in 2-3 days. assholes. i can't schedule it without them. now i can't do it this week. the entire point was for me to be able to do it as soon as possible. i'm thinking of complaining to my doctor, but i don't know what she's going to do that will make it any better short of turning back the clock and giving me the number so i could have had the MRI by now. ah well. what can you do. my chiropractor has been amazing, and i'm planning to try out acupuncture for pain relief when we get back. and then if i can ever get this fucking MRI, we'll see what the surgeon says and move from there. this week will definitely be helpful in terms of being right near the beach. it'll be so easy for me to swim and relax and exercise and take care of my back however i need to. oh, it's good to feel like things are moving forward!

so yeah, this week promises to be good in lots of ways. it will be just good for our mental health, my back, and maya's sleep patterns. i'm so excited. last week alex decided we shouldn't go because of my back and on account of him feeling behind at work, but i'm so glad that things have worked out so we can actually go. WAHOOOOO!!!
wundermuffin: (Default)
d'souza, i have not learned anything from you. you know that d'souza quote? well, do you?


this one, i mean.

well, this is the pattern of life i have lived in for, oh i don't know, a long time. i'm still doing it to myself. once i feel better, i will start all the things i have planned to start. but what if i never feel better? will i just put my life on hold forever?

the scary thing is, i might.

i dunno, man. chronic pain is a total mindfuck. it doesn't help that i feel like we are always in transition and things are always crazy. but i'm getting tunnel vision. it hasn't always been like this. i am just fucked up from being unable to care for myself and my daughter and my home for the past week, and i forget that i have been capable and amazing and proud of myself not very long ago. i will get back there again. and i will come back here again. and i need to be okay with that. this WILL happen again. i can't let it destroy my sense of self-worth each time, can i? i can't just pretend that it will go away forever someday and when that someday comes i will achieve all my goals THEN.

i didn't actually mean to write that last paragraph. i was intending to explain why i haven't really been posting on dreamwidth yet. i can't really start publicly blogging until i get my daily routine back under control, but it's been out of control for months now and i just keep putting it off and it's always at the back of my mind, bugging me. so now i've linked dreamwidth with LJ, and i can post on both together, and that's pretty cool.

the word 'publicly' never looks right to me.

DB pointed out to me yesterday that according to my own descriptions of what's going on in my life, things are going pretty well and we're stable and smooth. really, it is my perspective that needs to change. i need to stop clinging to a standard i will never obtain and embrace the mediocrity.

i'm taking so many positive steps to better my life, my physical and mental health, and i should be proud of that. i have amazing relationships with my husband and daughter, and when it comes down to it, i can forgive myself everything as long as i maintain that.

i want maya to have a healthy self-esteem, to love and value herself, to be who she is and know that i support her even if she makes choices i wouldn't have made, et cetera. and in order to do that, i need to be a role model. i need to have a healthy self-esteem, to love and value myself, and to be okay with who i am even if it isn't who i expected i would be.

it's okay that i'm here right now and that i'll be back here again. for now, i'll look forward to that day where i'm skipping down the stairs, run-run-running around the first floor in circles with maya, or balancing her on my hip while i juggle a diaper bag and beverages and car keys. i've done it a billion times, and i'll do it again. so even though i can't even lift the cat right now (who vocally complains about this constantly i might add), i'll get there again, and hopefully it'll be soon.

i'm sorry to keep coming to this conclusion over and over again; it hasn't been sticking in my head very well.



i think rediscovering the world through the eyes of a child is the best thing i could be doing right now.

June 2011

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